these two guys are about to go shot for shot with syrup
now he is talking to a potato
giving yourself 2 days to recover i see
I'll need it. Largely because i'm going to be stumbling through fancy restaurants with a bottle of whiskey insulting couples all night.
should my penis look like a turkey
Tell me why I keep soberly hesitating to go pee in fear of breaking the seal. Thank you college.
I swear to God, I just heard my guardian angel tell us to stop. I think we should listen.
I cagt a turtle and named him squirt. He's in my bathtub Caleb is feeding me peaches! This is the most beautiful vodka Thursday ever!
At least you have booty calls.
True. I just waste them though. I feel like I need to be told "there are people in this world who would give anything for just one and you have two." You know in that same tone your parents told you about the starving people in china
My phone broke again .... im not really sure how im going 2 explain the teeth marks to the ppl at the Verizon store
You puked on the bar then proceeded to walk out. I told the bartender some girl walked up, puked and left and he gave me a free drink. Hope you got home safe.
the day has come. I have finally reached the point in my life where I just don't give a fuck about anything anymore. it's beautiful!
And then he dove into my vagina like scrooge mcduck into a room of gold
Just went over my top ten highlight reel with that guy I'm fucking. It was like we were sports announcers. But about sex.
My boobs just got me out of my third ticket last night
i'm so proud. i woke up to nearly seven feet of basketball player in my bed this morning
you win. again.
WHY didn't you stop me from ordering $900 worth of socks last night when I was very obviously judgement impaired at the time?!?!
If I end up in the hospital remind me to order jimmy johns.
Why?
They deliver.
Randomize
