I hate all girls vehemently.
Just saw two guys having a lawn mower race, and their girlfriends cheering them on. Get me out of Tehachapi,
since we're both too lazy to go to each others house, you drink there, i'll drink here and we'll skype. it's the same thing.
you were saying "i am the vodka queen!" and then in a different voice replying to yourself "all hail the vodka queen! you are so beautiful!"
I feel like I wont be making enough money to support my frivilous lifestyle of beer and mcdonalds
No, but I woke up here and my pockets are full of raisins. Like 6 different pockets.
I took the weekend off because he and I were supposed to go to Vegas for our anniversary and get a hooker remember?
Ah, yes. Who says romance is dead?
He started screaming when he saw my dog. He thought it was a polar bear
as i sobered up i realized that her cute accent was actually a speech impediment
I told her I didn't have a condom. She then sized me with her thumb and finger and tossed me a large. Then I asked her to marry me.
You're the third Mark I've fucked in that bed.
How did the date go? No fake eyeballs this time?
We are so on opposite sides of the boobs spectrum
Also I feel like death. But like. In a good way
just used my $120 dollar stats book for the first time to kill an ant... good thing i stole it
Randomize
