Just got head while drinking hot cocoa and eating cookies. Never in my life have I felt more like santa claus
my breakfast just consisted of gushers (made with real fruit!) and they're trying to tell me im not eating right?
Is it possible to make a milkshake in a martini shaker or am I gonna need a blender?
Then we all started singing, "Our house, in the middle of the street. Our house, fucks a lot of freshman meat". It was magical.
We welcome drunken adversity.
With open legs.
Picture this: me driving down 183 throwing up into a towel. I just hit rock bottom.
Tell me right now I did the right thing by not fucking my sick gf at 3 am with her family home... Tell me my balls hurt for noble reasons.
Im on the side of I-10 covered in sweat, cookie dough, hollandaise sauce, onion gravy, and ground beef wondering how my life I ended up here
We're having a serious conversation and I just responded to something he said with an emoticon. I am so baked.
Seriously? You DON'T remember putting all those Swedish fish in the waffle iron b/c you wanted "One big Swedish fish?" That waffle iron was a wedding gift.
Unless he's under 18, in which case you put him back where you found him this instant.
purchased gas station taquitos and condoms at 4 this morning. It has been magical..
Where's the chopping off someone's balls emoji
the puppy had a little leather gag and was using a ball gag as a fetch toy
Do you think the hole in the ceiling will count against our security deposit?
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