I can only masturbate in one position. It's very inconvenient.
i don't know how to normally transition into sexual activities without being drunk...
Stop blaming waffle house for all your problems
Just watched a drug bust from the Ralphs parking lot while listening to Frank Sinatra. Happy Valentine's Day.
I jerked him off and then punched him in the face for no reason. Typical evening drinking Sailor Jerry's.
The strippers from this weekend suck at words with friends
One of those nights had to have been when we tried to walk through the McDonald's drive through -- and then got in the car with complete strangers. And stole their hamburgers.
We decided this year instead of not participating in Halloween at all we are going to hand out free beers to the parents.
I knew this night was headed for bad when I was drinking cherry bombs out of a sippy cup in the shower
Just found out that his ringtone for me is a train blowing bc and I quote 'I know when you call I'm getting laid'
Rule #61 of being a lady: never get fingered by a finger with a knuckle tattoo
Walked into a bathroom stall to pop an addy for my three back-to-back finals today. Felt like Clark Kent walking into a phonebooth.
I've slapped too many boys and done too many naked laps for it only to be 10:30pm
Great, now I'm picturing myself as a fucking garden gnome
At Target. Everyone is stocking up on food and flashlights for this storm. I stocked up on beer. Dont judge me, it was on sale...
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