3:38a: you guys up to anything right now?
We had sex on the first date...do you think he thinks I'm a whore?
Yes and so do I
I take no responsibility of who alcohol hooks up with using my body!
life lesson# 3: saying thank you on a subway really means "im not a native new yorker, so please feel free to touch my ass"
hmm. interesting. explain how you came across this knowledge.
i sneezed. he said bless you. i said thank you. he groped. i again said thank you.
You NEED to get fingered by a violinist. He used his left hand and make me cum, he's RIGHT handed.
So then she just shoved applesauces in her pocket and started talking about she needed to find her friends.
you didn't get her number why?
I'll call it a relationship when I stop masturbating after he goes to sleep
Alive...but barely. Had dinner with my parents tonight which was conveniently located near where i left my car, phone, and self respect
How was the party last night?
There's a mountain bike in the middle of our apartment. No one will claim it.
It was relaxing until your penis crawled in my ear.
He carried around a bottle of jäger the whole night and when everyone thought the cops came, he started doing push ups in the middle of the floor cause he said it calmed him down.
I can already tell, the amount of fun I'm having right now is not nearly going to compensate for the amount of "let us never speak of this again" I'm gonna have tomorrow
He fed us edamame like baby birds. Slowly all coming back to me.
Remember I am not doing blow tonight. I REPEATE NO COCAINE unless I do it with your mom
This may be the most redneck thing I've ever said, but I know all there is to know about farting dogs
Randomize
