did i leave my keys in your car? BTW: sorry for throwing that drink on your date.
You know you think of me naked too
Not since I found Jesus
you told him you liked to chip your nail polish to look like different countries. im gonna guess that no, you didn't sleep with him.
My goal for break? Fuck all my exes in reverse order.
im like basted in vodka, i went tanning and it was like i was an alcoholic turkey being cooked in a locker of doom
The only excuse this guy at the club had for trying to make out with me as soon as I met him was "I AM FROM MEXICOOO"
Just rolled up a joint with a cop standing right beside me. He just told us to not leave behind any garbage or empties. God I love canadian camping
Nothing like sitting at your midterm pissed at yourself because you put your graphing calculator batteries in your vibrator and forgot to put them back in before the exam 😑
Dipping my sugar cookies in a glass of fireball and creme soda. This is holiday spirit
You know you've made it in life when the people in the next stall are cheering on your orgasm
I force fed him french fries and then proceeded to tell him how sexy corgi’s are … it’s safe to say he’s not texting me for a second date.
Going through his web history. 10 hours ago he searched "how to put on condom with your teeth" I think I'm getting it tonight.
He calculated like a serious conversion in his head the other day and got a crazy number and I was like damn that’s hot please proceed to take your clothes off.
our moms work together...I can just see the conversation now, hey your daughter ruined my sons marriage, that's probably how it will start.
And then he tried to convince me that he could wear a condom instead of pants to go out.
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