someone threw a dead crab at me
you thought that fire hydrant was a midget...you gave it a hug and asked for a lollipop.
i didn't know you could wash puke off of bras with a dishwasher.
I just saw a girl in Albersons in spandex and curlers buying PBR. Only PBR.
They were like stripper heels, except business stripper heels, the kind strippers would wear to court.
So the dentist told me I couldn't suck on anything. She emphasized ANYthing.
I'm still seeing blue. who wrote on my bare nipple?
I bought 2 40s with winning lottery tickets and they paid me $.03. 'Merica
I just remembered something. Did we really all flash the cab driver to get half off?
I'm petting the cat while shitting. This is all I ever wanted
Oooo. Can we pretend to be Amanda Bynes?
She bought wigs like Disney princesses. I want to be her.
i just want a position where we can lock up like some sort of sexual megatron and go the whole night that way
all i tweeted was "emergency this is not a drill" and he immediately texted me asking if this was a subtle booty call…it was
250 people in this lecture & my prof asks who already drank green beer this morning& is drunk right now. I WAS THE ONLY ONE TO RAISE MY HAND
I am that special "drink water and be grateful I'm alive" kind of hungover
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