it was a mass text i'm sorry
do you usually send 'hey sexy' as a mass text?
Yeah I'm pretty sure at one point I was telling her to keep her dick in her pants. She was going to do some serious damage.
was stoked on phone sex until he started reciting lines from star wars
my mom hid the smirnoff from me. this is the most fucked up game of hide and seek EVER
I'm hoping you can explain why I woke up with what I believe is pumpkin pie all over my body
Only in this snowstorm did have I realized the lengths I'll go to to get laid.
Hhahaha he is. Omg the new polish friend just took his pants off in front of me. There is something wrong with this nationality.
He tricked me into going on a double date with him, I don't like that he's not using me for just sex anymore
The first aid guy just told us to go get hammered...I'm taking his advice
Most adult booty call ever. Ha. We got down to business and still got to watch the colbert report.
I will expect an hourly check text to confirm you are alive and that you aren't dead in a ditch somewhere with a hobo dry humping your corpse
I appreciate the I'll come bail you out of jail tone in the text
so I'm walking to my last final while opening my giant red bull and i look over to my right and the guy beside me had one too and was looking back at me. without missing a beat he pulls out a bottle of jager, pours half in mine, half in his and goes "cheers"....i'm not even mad i probably failed my final
i wish i could say that was the first 40 year old woman from the circus I nailed
I finished my first whiskey and I'm waiting to have a second one in celebration when your pregnancy test comes back negative
Randomize
