I wish my mouth had a period so that could be my excuse on those days I don't feel like giving head
And next time, don't pick a fight with me when you're naked. That's just not fair
Practice the "sorry I may have given you herpes" conversation with me before I call him and break the news
the only evidence i have from this weekend existing is a title page for a novel i tried writing called "the oyster who gave up drinking"
The walk of shame out of a freshman dorm isn't so bad when you're 25, nobody questions you because they think youre gonna bust them for having weed
I made him an O's fan. One pic of my tits coming out of a Baltimore shirt and it was done.
Almost bit the guy's hand who sits in front of me because he was stretching. That. Bored.
It is becoming increasingly more likely that my entire halloween costume will be entirely composed of borrowed clothing from the two girls I'm hooking up
From one hot mess to another... Get it together.
Treating myself to outback while reading the entire manual that comes with my birth control in public. Is this what single has come to?
I'M OFFICIATING THIS WEDDING. HOLY SHIT.
Why do pants feel so unnatural once you enter your own house
Can I just swipe right on his dad?
Going to the eye doctors drunk makes you feel like your doing a sobriety test! They have to know..
If he ever pulls my hair again, I'm going to conveniently have lock jaw. Then he can decide whether pain during sex is still fucking appealing.
Randomize
