So he flipped me over and suddenly went limp then told me he was thinking about his ex.
so you punched his junk, right?
she needs to learn to take compliments like she takes dicks.
All I remember is drinking vodka out of tupperware.
I'm wayyy too drunk to be in a parade right now
who was wearing the fake mustache? I just found one in my cleavage
Just come here and visit. Enjoy the deliciousness of me being legal. Just don't think, and come here right meow. meow meow meow.
Tip of the day: Don't ever send a bootycxall at 3 in aftnoon. No one will respond n u'll just feel fooolish.
My dad, when he got home and saw me loading a bowl in the living room: "We have TWO beautiful balconies to get high on and you pick the couch?!"
I'm at a bar where I literally walked in to the bathroom and some chick told me to never go to San Joaquin state pen
I think that's why god made me a woman. Bc it's harder to slap people in the face with a vagina.
Don't forget Giraffe in your car! If we show up in the same outfit without animal heads we're just gonna look weird.
I know I don't have feelings for him because I feel completely ashamed every time after we have sex
I was basically just fingering myself and thinking about space.
What does it mean when the government shuts down and your boyfriends wife wants a divorce ON YOUR BIRTHDAY?
Just got caught by my boss looking at porn on the work computer & he decided to utilize this time to look with me. Not sure if this is good or bad.
Randomize
