dude! the alphabet song and twinkle twinkle little star are like the same tune
what drug did you take to come to that conclusion??
my roommate and her friend got reaallllly high last night and it looks like they played scrabble. one of their words is "nippal"
i think you know its gunna be a bad day when it starts with throwing up into a red plastic cup
Found out why I didn't have to go drug test. My boss grew pot to pay for grad school.
There was an ice luge. Lets just leave it at that.
I got 87 likes on my changed relationship status. It's official. I'm way more fucking awesome single.
They're mostly guys
Early bird gets the worm.
Definitely worth waiting her kid to got to sleep when the first thing you hear once she's back is "I want you in my ass right now"
sweating bourbon at client mtg -- you?
Being the hot sister definately has advantages, I'm pretty sure I ruined her engagement
What's the policy on calling guys who have kids daddy...
You can call me ugly and you can call me fat,but don't you EVER say my meme game is weak.
Just a reminder- you dropped broccoli in my car and then felt bad for it and named him Henry
I know. I miss henry.
You tried to eat your way through the wall. Like you literally tried to eat drywall and insulation.
So were driving two hours to go to a club and Charles packed me a sippy cup full of tequila. He thinks of everything!
Enjoy your early 30’s! You’re still young enough to catch a twenty something that can fuck 4 times a day, hot enough to date forty year old penises that can last long enough to give you multiple orgasms
Randomize
