3 deer just ran past us on the street. At least I get to see some tail tonight
You want to go to a white party at LAX
Clubs are lame especially themed ones. Im not in a fucking episode of laguna beach
I'm sitting in the drive through at Mcdonalds right now watching the workers pressure wash the vomit I left from last night.
You know you're hung over when your pose in art class is lying face down on the platform
its 4am and she invited me over to split a 'romantic bowl of frosted flakes'...really dude?...what do you think she's trying to say?...she better not be kidding about the frosted flakes though.
Did we fight the bathroom girl ? She just wanted to give us lotion and condoms.
Pretty sure they aren't letting me back to karaoke night after I screamed "fuck every one of you tasteless hillbillies!!" because I felt they didn't clap loud enough for Jen.
If I were you I'd use my green card to do more coke and less talking
This hobo said he can't buy alcohol bc he got in trouble bc a girl sat on his face when he was passed out and misaligned his spine and gave him Alzheimer's so Ali is buying him a bottle. This is Vegas.
you know you've had too much sex when your vagina hurts when you laugh
I just sent a snapchat of my boobs for Adderall. It's finals season.
Yo. What's your name again? You put "don't tell your landlord" as your name lol
So I should just walk in, look him in the eye and say, "I just came to fuck your brother, nice to meet you" and just walk to your room.
That was just an endearing nickname I called you before. I'm not gonna call you a filthy slut now that you are one, I don't want to hurt your feelings.
I probably should have told her I was actually the drunkest one there before she let me pierce her ear
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