Remember when the only STD we had to worry about were hickies? Those were the days
When I told my boss I'm using a vacation day for 4/20, he gave me his personal cell phone number and winked at me.
He's either a really good actor or an actual prince, I'm fine with both so I'll sleep with him.
She's a Laker fan, her sister is a Celtic fan... no matter who wins I'm getting a celebration bj from one of them!
things I have learned from cosmo today- 40% of guys are uncircumsized, you can have a beer facial, and i really need to get tested for std's
She left scratches down my back from her wedding ring. Her husband seems like a nice guy though, judging by the scratches it had to be at least a carat.
Yup. Can I borrow your penis decanter for my Xmas party on Saturday
Just thinking about this summer makes me feel a slight tingle of an orgasm mixed with a twinge of regret as the cold ghostly feeling of multiple hangovers creep into my body.
I started dipping tositos in my screwdriver last night
then apparently I went "not bad" and continued
The notification you get from snapchat that someone took a screenie is like a formal declaration of blackmail.
ok NEVER tell the strippers its your birthday. i think i have to burn these clothes and take a bath in bleach
I haven't been single on my birthday for 7 years. If you don't get me laid tonight, your best friend/wing woman status will be revoked.
you're now officially the 3000 mile booty call. congrats.
And ANOTHER guy that I once got naked is doing gay porn now. Wtf? Am I the audition?!
I'm hearing voices and sirens. I'm scared. I heard a manatee out there.
Randomize
