dude, i woke up naked in her front yard...apparently i tried to leave in the middle of the night, forgot my clothes and decided,"oh heres a nice patch of grass to sleep on" I think god is up there laughing at me.
Bel-fucking-mar, this place has more popped collars than a Hollister catalog
And then I have a slight inkling that I went up to the bar and tried to order the bartender.
It snowed today. The whore-inducing weather is official over.
There are not enough shots in the world for this. We walked in and they shouted "the pilgrims are here!" And then someone handed me a turkey leg the size of my arm.
I just brought the toaster out onto the porch to light a cigarette, don't talk to me about being desperate.
Just cause I'm shitfaced wasted every night waking up in random beds all over Manhattan does not mean I'm a mess.
Truth. Respect the hustle.
He made me sneak beer in the diaper bag... guess who is winning 2012 parents of the year
Walk of shame. Stopped at an estate sale on the way back to the house. Old lady pulled a condom wrapper of the back of my hoodie. beat that
She kept asking for cigarettes, than just put them in her purse as "savings"
I want to tell everyone I've ever met about how he him picking me up and fucking me against the wall was the highlight of my life. Worst lesbian ever.
He's drunk and I'm pain-killer high and we're about to watch fireworks at disney world. It's gonna be fucking magical
I am coming home with the worst sun burn of my life, two unused condoms, and an unworn slutty dress. Worst. Bachelorette. Party. Ever.
Never in my life have I seen a grown ass man get on all fours and attempt to buttfuck himself with the leg of a chair. I love Vegas!
besides the unzipped fly, the black eye and the toilet paper on your shoe you looked really sexy today baby!
Randomize
