my dad told me i had to spend my money wisely..so i spent the money he gave me for a desk chair on weed. ill be so high i wont even notice its gone
I'm worried I'm going to miss my flight so I set a series of alarms on my phone to act as checkpoints to make sure I'll be there. 2am-stop drinking; 4am-stop fucking stephanie, get some sleep; 5am-wake up, fuck stephanie once more; 6am-get to the airport
I got a Luke Skywalker costume so I can go do battle with the homeless guy who plays the fiddle dressed as Darth Vader downtown.
She's a virgin AND a minister's daughter. We're one schoolgirl outfit from the dear penthouse trifecta
Between the hair pulling and the choking its its more like combat than sex
Sorry I have an "Operation Iraqi Freedom" fantasy
have i crossed some slutty boundary when gay guys are sending me cock pics?
Yeah. You can ask him out. We're just fuck buddies. My vagina will be sad but your heart can be happy.
Just to circumvent as much mood-killing as possible, you are allowed a small amount of laughter at my pubic hair. Too much and I revoke your vagina privileges until you can get your shit together.
Hooker in the library. I repeat, we have a hooker in the library. This is not a drill.
When you get home...find me in the shower. Only safe place at the moment.
I need you to ship me a penis cookie care package.
I just realized, you're dating a guy named Jameson. That is another level of whiskey dick.
I'm mainly pissed because I shaved fucking EVERYTHING for this. WITH SHAVING CREAM. Men do not appreciate how rarely that happens.
will you help me invent vagina-safe pop rocks?
This is the most exciting thing since movie theater hand jobs
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