Tell her she's as useless as a condom.
I have to tell you about my conversation with the cloud dragon!
he broke up with me while standing outside, half naked, waiting to fuck him. i feel like a leper right about now.
My roommate just called. He's in Miami and has no idea how he got there. He also has a ticket to Buenos Aires that he can't explain. I figured you'd have the explanation.
Or they can chase TEQUILA shots with it. I don't know why my phone capitalizes TEQUILA.
I'm now at that point where it just feels natural to do a few shots of whisky with breakfast and then head to work
Waiting to interview and found a beer in my purse from last night
You think you know everything because you're wearing a sweater
Getting dressed and listening to the song Buffalo Bill danced to in Silence of the Lambs. I'm a perfect psych major.
I miss you, too. It's hard to sleep without anything licking my head.
I tried to flirt with him by saying "catholics are cool" and he handed me a cup of water so i called him jesus and thanked him for the wine
I slapped a guy during sex last night because he moaned the wrong name. Then I remembered I gave him a fake name. Sorry bro.
Grandma and I are gonna see the new Tarzan movie, because we both appreciate shirtless Swedish men
Stumbled out of my bed this morning into the bathroom at 8 am still drunk, obviously. The Mormon on my floor was in the bathroom. I could practically hear her doing hail marys for me.
How did I end up with the cock ring?!
Randomize
