I'm not ok right now. I just walked in on a 600lb woman passed out on the toilet and she walked out and tried to eat her cell phone. I'm on acid I think.
My cardio has turned into running out of the cold from bar to bar.
today is my dealer's birthday. i dont know whether to give him the day off or call him saying happy birthday ill take a quarter please
after we finished, she said she had been a backup performer for Cirque du Soleil. THAT flexible.
Last night I ate parmesan cheese straight out of the container while watching Chelsea Lately. Look at what happens to me when you leave.
you have no idea how wierd it is to get nudes while talking to grandma
and i was just like oh shit i'm getting felt up by a 15 year old
you just kept saying 'take out my tanks' and tell the cab driver to go slower, i have no idea what you were talking about but i'm glad you had fun.
I don't want to talk. I just want to motorboat those tits
Does Jesus have blonde highlights? Pretty sure I saw him in a lavender shirt and Sperry's.
All I'm saying is the next time I see him naked, there better be something in it for me that doesn't end in bailing him out of jail.
When I come home and take my bra off and I'm served with a perfect grilled cheese along with a glass of wine. Priceless.
How can you tell that you're blacked out ?
You can feel it in your nipples.
How so I keep attracting the virgins? HOW?
You talk about your love for your ninja turtle onesie when you're drunk. Are you really surprised?
Bro I just got a hand job playing tiny wings.. Hell yea
Randomize
