Driving with balloons in your car is more annoying than that bubble fart that doesn't leave your ass after your previous fart.
you told me heaven would be the 3 of us at Moe's forever and every hot girl that walked in would ask us to play stone face
She came home wasted 'not wantin to talk about it' so for revenge I woke her up with a dutch oven and she puked all over me and the bed. I can't win.
Dude I told you 22 year olds shouldn't get married
I was so drunk that I didn't realize he was staying at the Waldorf. I walk of shamed the Astoria, do you even know what this means?
Some guy just delivered flowers to my roommate cause he fell off a roof onto her at a party last night. I think they have a date tomorrow.
You may or may not have poured bacon fat down her shirt
I'm crossing my legs while pooping. Taking a shit has never looked so proper.
I get off at the next exit which doesn't have a shoulder, a guy is riding my ass so I cant stop. I think I got as much puke on his car as on mine.
Itd be like fucking a waterbed thats been locked in a barn for two years.
Where in the FUCK do you get your analogies
Your lack of dedication to alcohol is forcing me to drink with my ex husband. U suck
Vom Wallet is no more. We now boldly enter a responsible, adult era where we will not throw up liquor onto ourselves.
would you like to venture to the magical clitoris forest?
I was writing 'DISTRACTION' across my chest in Sharpie when my boob fell out. Right on camera.
Woke up went to work ate beef after three year hiatus shat my pants went to bed
About that photo of the cake you just sent. You do realize it’s on a glass table, right? We can all see your reflection in it, and you’re very obviously naked.
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