Oh this totally just became legit. My "boss" is puking outside my car right now. I win again.
So my retainer doesn't fit, so i'm getting drunk so i can put it back in. Alone.
You would...
Have you ever wondered what your stripper song would be?
Why does it always end up with me crying in my car.
That's the last time you suggest we can get our tab wiped by out-drinking the bartender.
It was my card, so what do you care that you lost?
Is your card paying for my plan b?
Drinking gin at a party, riding a giant inflatable walrus all around the living room.
He came into your room last night to tell me he was leaving, when I woke up this morning he was facedown in your hallway. He didn't make it very far.
Made a pan flute out of the varyingly empty beer bottles on the table. Played a glorious tune that paid tribute to the winds.
I have way too big of a thanksgiving food baby to enjoy any of my old high school booty calls
fuck it. from now on whatever room i wake up in, i'm stealing clothes from. this walk of shame shit is too much without pants
I don't know if I want to fuck him or punch him in the face.
Did I call him? He cried after taking my bra off. You tell me.
He's like a sexy bearded lumberjack who likes wine.. I can't lose..
He has no idea I'm scrolling through Instagram while he's going down on me. I'm so bored.
My boobs weigh the same amount as 25 pancakes
Randomize
