If I could text you the sound of me vomming, I would.
The ticket read "Found nude in a tree"
Just checked, might have creepy crawlies. What does chlamydia feel like? Not near wireless to consult webMD.
I just cut my nipple shaving
Another f*ing night of vodka youporn and xanax. I need to get a goddamn life
3 great things that go great together... But not on a Friday night. Perfect on say... a Tuesday.
Just an FYI: The offer for you to come snow blow my driveway in return for sexual favors is still on the table
He turned down a handjob. A HANDJOB. I know I'm no Jessica Simpson, but...
Actually, she's fat now, so...
Fuck. I AM Jessica Simpson.
You need to braveheart it on Monday. Blue face paint and a loin cloth screaming freedom in your front yard.
SORRY BITCH CAN'T, TAKING SHOTS TO WHITNEY HOUSTON.
Have you considered sword swallowing? Something about that bj tells me you could make a it a career.
I woke up to Elf. I don't know which one of you put that in my DVD player when I passed out but I appreciate you.
There's nothing more rewarding than telling you that I fucked your dad
I admit it could have gone better but look at it this way, since I broke the urn you don't have to worry about spreading the ashes.
Why would you get kicked out?
Well, an overweight man is currently not wearing a shirt. Or pants. And is getting in touch with his inner Chippendale. You can probably fill in the blanks.
Good Morning! You are sterile right?
Randomize
