headbutted the bartender, tried to bite the bouncer, and pissed on a cops shoes. and i still got laid. god, it's good to be home
Sat down on an escalator. That hungover.
Well. I guess talking about me stealing your wife may not be in the list of legit conversations
I woke up to my one night stand and he said, "now that's the one to beat"
So, I'm a little drunk in Seattle with Glenna, but we've all agreed that it's patriotic to think about Bill Clinton from time to time during sex. 'Merica
Went home w the NY Islander in a NY Rangers jersey, needless to say he was pissed
I just did shots of fireball with my dad in a car wash. How's your pregaming going?
Is it too soon for me to wonder what sex with him would be like?
I hurt myself, but I'm pretty sure I saved the carpet.
have no fear, swaggie olivia is here to bring glorious gifts and horse dick to children
It's 4am & this guy is asleep with his junk still inside me..really rethinking my life
I thought I'd never say this, but if I had to choose between these cookies and sex, it would be these cookies
I have a few Facebook friends I only keep around for quality control purposes on Tinder
We moved the bed and she found my vibrator. The entire ride home was a montage of her singing "Are You Lonesome Tonight"
Can you confirm that you aren't dead?
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