I did the walk of shame to another booty call
I don't think that should turn me on, but it does
hey, can i borrow that thing you never use?
what?
your penis
I wish guys would just cum water 'cause you don't have to worry about being pregnant and it'd be like a squirt gun fight
Walked into the bar with my burrito and ordered a round of shots for everyone. Not sure if I want to look at the credit card statement.
My knee is bleeding. This cheeseburger is the 3rd thing I made out with today and I think I got a job with the ducks. Catalina is poppin
Made a vodka juice box out of a ziploc bag and a straw for when I drive. Doesn't count as an open beverage container anymore.
Pretty sure I was rubbing Halloween candy all over my face and saying "these are my bitches."
I woke up to the sound of gentle rain, only to realize I was laying under a urine trough in the men's restroom. Fuck you, bourbon. Fuck you.
He came up behind me making dolphin noises in my ear when I noticed a collection of hors d'ouevres from the reception earlier in his jacket pocket
I will never doubt you again...he IS perfect for you
Come over. I'll eat you out and we'll make bacon.
best text I've received ever.
My goal is to go an entire semester without cocaine. That's an adult goal right?
This late night dumpster diving sesh is making my quads cramp up
I'm keeping track of how many times I've said "Shhh, act like you're not naked." in my life. So far, 3 times.
Well waking up naked, covered in Chex mix is not how I planned to start my Wednesday if that's what you're getting at.
i forgot how loud opening a beer is in a house where your not allowed to drink
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