The worse part is i sent a text at like three that said i was getting head... Now i have no idea who's mouth has been on my dick
I guess I fist pumped too hard. I hit my mom in the face and now we're sitting in the ER.
When we told the nurse what happened, she replied with "OH, Well you don't look Italian to me!"
giving a 30 min presentation still drunk is like giving birth, upside down in a pit of snakes while being on fire.
you duct taped a twenty to your thigh just in case and passed out.
It's now 8:05 on a Wednesday night and I'm already going home with my bra in my purse.
After being his wingman last night, I've decided I will never talk about becoming a lesbian ever again. Picking up chicks is way too hard.
Remember that time you bought snap bracelets on Amazon and they sent you 300 pregnancy tests instead? Amazon knows.
I've come to the conclusion that Jesus and 2013 are haters.
There are days when you go to throw something in your bedroom trash can and realize the only things in there are a used condom, a Lime-arita can and a muffin wrapper.
I just sent a snapchat of my boobs for Adderall. It's finals season.
my goal for the rest of college is to escape STD free. fuck getting a job. this is more important.
He made a toga out of my hot pink bed sheets and cracked an egg on his head. Then he proceeded to alphabetize our DVD collection, which was impressive because I'm 99% sure he couldn't have done that sober.
I'm committing myself to dance. Also, I'm unsure if you said space party sounded lame because dude was old, but I hope you're over it because I love space, and I love David Bowie and I love to dance, and you need to embrace this with me.
Idk how much of a virgin he is but I'm tryna find out.
That man makes my giblets tingle
Congrats? I think?
Randomize
