did not feel like going to store to get condoms last night so went to her pantry and got a sandwich bag and a rubberband
did it work?
nope
I dont get it-she has sex with me but wont be my facebook friend?
my ass just sighed. even my farts are tired.
why did they invent bidet's? your butt gets clean when your poop falls in the toilet and splashes up anyway...
i will be the first lesbian to ever fail women's studies.
I'm walking home wearing Kermit the frog footie pajamas, carrying a monogrammed shot glass set with my name on it. It's fucking Christmas!
But you've got to admit , for how blackout I was I look fucking unreal in those pictures
Look, I'm just saying... paying ur respects to the neighbors who had a death in the family with food u steal from the neighbors having the cookout may result in a negative karma situation.
Two people confessed their love to me last night. Drunk is a good color on me
That money I left you should go to the stripper that fell asleep in your bed. Sorry
I got your flops too. But yeah you rolled off your raft a bunch of times so we had to ask the white trash squad to help you back on. You bit one of them
I just wrote the Drag Queen from Saturday Night on FB and apologized for licking her. Weirdest thing I have ever typed...
Also I've accepted I am not going to be a catch today. I look like a dead hooker and the remedial work is going to be patchy at best with the shakes I've got.
i need to get crying drunk at the bar more often. i end up going home with guys who have big penises. its like God is saying "there, there, this will cheer you up".
I can't believe the MLB is making the NHL look good.
Randomize
