I want to see you every morning in the kitchen ass naykid on roller blades making pancakes.
Stop sending me these texts. This is your mom, not your girlfriend.
Hey, can you come over and kill me real quick
Dude, I checked into a cathedral... I thought it was a joke, until I found a candle and a whole bunch of coins in my purse
I think my whole family judged my ability to change under a blanket.
In a moving vehicle and other people in the car
he asked me to lick his asshole and I told him his girlfriend could do that for him
Yeah i'd say someone being in the room while you're doing someone makes them eligible for fb friendship
Cockoligist
Yes, one may refer to me as that.
I should make business cards.
Would it be inappropriate to do a science fair project on whether the type of drunk a person is is determined by nature or nurture
dude you're not even a fucking science major
There is pretty much a target on everyone's lips when I am drunk. EVERYONE
Just so you know the unusual amount of skittles on your floor is entirely your own fault. You bought me 20 bags of them while I was high.
It was a shot marathon. It only ended because we werent drinking in our house apparently we walked into the nieghbors. When they got home thy were soooooo pissed.
My vagina is glad I'm back at work because it needs a vacation after working all through my vacation.
Good. Go forth, young stallion. Destroy the vaginal region with your tidy crotch.
Let's just say, I will never again lick an asshole.
Well, he pretended he was climbing me like he was a monkey and I was a tree during sex.
Randomize
