i never realize how drunk i am until i start using people as human stripper poles
She put baby oil on her toes and i am not legally allowed to talk about what happened
the plan is to continue having sex with all three of them until my birthday, and then once they've given me their presents, they can find out about each other.
The bouncers kicked us out around 3 so we went to the grocery store flasks in hand and asked them to turn up their music...
He gave me an orgasm before we even reached 2nd base, everything he did in high school is irrelevant.
I will be naked everywhere
Dude cabbage spilt on the floor, and now danielles rolling it. Happy st party's day.
Just walked into the bar to find a guy in a Boba Fett helmet leaning casually against the wall, texting. This night just got real.
I should've been more social I guess. I feel bad not meeting the people who willingly sucked alcohol out of my navel...
You peed up the stairs in front of everyone then blamed it on the dog
was it wrong to tell him he's welcome in my pants any time?
There's an owl outside. I feel like he's hooing directly at me.
The shrooms have turned on carrie. Change of plans. We're getting stoned and finding bacon.
Well, I guess you are not meant to have this fucking picture of an adorable baby duck.
I'm only texting you this bc god forbid circumstances change when you wake up but currently santa is asleep on top of the washer and dryer.
Randomize
