it was all good till he told me to dance slow and quiet
You going to midnight mass? we need a dd
Ok seriously I'm living off of bologna but I have 4 handles in the freezer.
You were in your third change of clothes, and I found you in my driveway passed out with my dog's food bowl. You win.
And now thanks to shrooms we all got a terrifying glimpse of what goes on in his head. I will not say I didn't see it coming when it turns out he made a suit out of people's skin
I can not say for certain that I did not blow someone in the bathroom at the bar at some point.
Just traded a shot of whiskey for a warm PBR on public transit. It's that's sort of night already.
I am in an eBay bidding war over a build a bear one direction tshirt, this is who you choose to bone
Yeah we invited her back for chicken nugget sandwiches
Do I need to call and sing lullabies? Because that's creepy, but I'm a really good friend.
Just had my butthole waxed. If that changes your plans for Saturday..
I feel like my liver should be on crutches right now
Disregard everything I texted you last night. Oh, and disregard me hooking up with your boyfriend.
Yea.. And you'll love me a whole lot more when I start letting my vagina make all the decisions..
Normally getting fucked up with the owner and suggesting he motorboat me wouldn’t help my chances of a promotion, but this is 2020 and he definitely enjoyed it
Randomize
