i was just outside smoking and i saw a hooker sing "i wish i knew who your daddy was" to her new born baby. someone explain to me why i ever left chicago to go to college...
So Ive been fucking her for the past couple months and i just found our that my grandfather and her grandmother were fuck buddies for a while. I feel like this is a new awesome family tradition that skips a generation.
This lady in my dui class just asked what patron was. I feel like she doesn't belong here
despite contrary belief, getting peanut butter off your balls is not as easy as it sounds
Dude. She told me she felt bad for not giving me more blojobs. HOW COULD THAT HAVE GONE BETTER?
plan d- we get drunk, go see that Justin Bieber movie and freak out 13 year old girls.
After 13 tally marks I wrote the number 4,000 and made u sign my arm to prove it.
The stoned girl at the dining hall just handed me a single chicken wing and insisted that she's "unable to procure more rations"
I had to smuggle a street sign attached to a 14ft long pole out of my house this morning. The list of reasons for me not to drink just keeps getting longer.
Dude what the fuck...
you said "i met the love of my life tonight" and i said "me?" and you said "no, hummus"
last night i fell off a barstool and busted my nose. i can regretfully say that i didn't see cherub last night.
I made out with 4 out of 4 girls I was out with last night, I'm pretty sure everyone knows I'm a lesbian by now
Sexting just isn't as much fun once you learn how bad he is in bed...
OH MY GOD I AM DYING. AS I WAS TEXTING I JUST BUMPED INTO A MOTHER FUCKING DEER. I AM SHAKING
Wait...Literally? You hit a deer...with your body?!
I PHYSICALLY RAN INTO IT. I FELT ITS WEIRD HAIR AND I EVEN APOLOGIZED CAUSE IT DINDT REGISTER THAT IT WASNT A PERSON. MORTIFIED.
So, I just found out Ireland, is #1 in binge drinking. I know its Sunday but this one is for America.
Randomize
