No. Do you know how much this carpet cost? If she comes over, you put down towels this time. i'm so not kidding.
Is that you who's passed out on my treadmill?
Operation liquormelon is in full effect. We may die tonight.
Also. I plan to spend time with you at boomers, high, teaching ourselves how to pee standing up.
I just saw a herd of slutty loofahs run down the street...
I text him "Dude. Tryna get fucked here. I only have half the parts. I need your help" I'm sure my mom would be super proud of the woman I have become.
I'm drunk, we're losing, and I'm in the visitors stands. This is about to get ugly.
I really have to stop having sex with people I sell drugs to...it feels unprofessional
I drank beer out of some sort of animal horn all night, then we fucked to a "viking metal" album. I feel like I should go pillage something to complete the Norse trifecta.
SO DRUNK
PUKED IN DRIVEWAY
TELL PARENTS SORRY
Next year for Halloween you can be the sword swallower, with a penis shaped sword.
What a better way to celebrate that I'm single by becoming a stripper and making $1000 in one night
I mean, you've had my nipples in your mouth now, so I think we've reached a certain level of friendship.
Apparently I bought a laptop last night, then gave the laptop to a friend who was going to give it to her friends' friend to put some cool shit on it. Anyway, I have no idea where my new laptop is now.
You wouldnt listen to us when we told you there was no place that was selling girlscout cookies at 4:30am...
Randomize
