I want to snug with you.
You want my snuggie?
OMG I just tried to text you something dirty but accidentally texted the obama campaign
Every time we have sex I can't stop thinking about Jesus
I chugged a bottle of robotussein and i ducking saw a blind lady on a purch sewing a shirt! And a tree portal
stupid gm bankruptcy made me miss the showcase showdown
Those cock suckers. We need to know who's winning the hot tub and the vacation to the alps
I had a long pep-talk with my penis that ended in "I love you, I'll try harder and I'm sorry."
we couldnt find her phone in the morning so i called it and found it under the bed. my name came up as 'regret'
I like how the only thing you spelled correctly is "i'm tequila"
i just declared my major based on how close the department building was to our apartment. laziness has been brought to a new level
I didn't think about how painful the pumpkin seeds coming up the next morning would be. Oh well, I'm good at making pumpkin seeds and that's all that matters.
Right as the plane left the gate the brownies kicked in. I dont think the guy next to me appreciated my engine noises as we took off
The groom's brother was an accomplishment. Then I remembered he was also the officiant. Check and check.
there is such a gross feeling of satisfaction when the married guy i used to hook up with likes my facebook status.
I just had 3 numbers I don't know text me and remind me I am to attend AA on monday. Im gonna say it was a good night.
I’ve gotta be honest, I didn’t expect to have sex. I didn’t shave... anything. You couldn’t have been impressed.
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