he's my edward cullen
I am pretty sure Edward Cullen never had an all-day drinking binge topped off with some blow.
It was all about her orgasm last night. I felt like a human dildo.
He didn't seem too mad about the puke on the side of his car. You still have a chance.
I'm at a party with half naked strippers driving in a little kids battery powered mustang around a stipper pole in his bedroom
Shes been standing with her arms crossed in front of the mirror for 45 minutes...she told me she's "getting sober"
I thought stuff was gonna go really bad after he filled the super-soaker with kerosene. but it all turned out pretty well.
No no, there's drunk and then there's 'spooning with lawn gnomes' drunk.
At some point during thanksgiving the image of me pooping on ur moms chest will come to you. Your welcome!
I'll feed you vitamin c from my mouth this weekend. Like a baby bird.
Promise??
Just dodged a state trooper, your weed will be there shortly. Fear the unbustable!
We got banned from that Whataburger for life. WHATABURGER. Which is saying something. They deal with drunk dumbasses every night.
Tequila happens.
No I don't want to see you. You're the reason that I'm going to need a new liver by the time I'm 30.
I serenaded the cat in the hat for a few 90s songs but idk who he is
I think I got into an argument with my cat's former owner about what a BDSM relationship entails.
Consume your own penis you ugly freak.
Randomize
