I shaved my pubes to make my cock look like it has a lions mane. to surprise the girl that works at the zoo when she comes over.
I just saw a Puerto Rican child between the ages of 8 and 11 with a faint mustache talking very loudly on the bluetooth in his ear about how "Skittles are played the fuck out"
Just took a celebratory "i havent slept with anyone in this bar" shot. yesssss....
he went up stairs with nothing on but calvin klein's and an eskimo hat, said hi to her dad, got a doughnut, and left like it was an everyday thing
Taking shot for every red box on your worst bracket. I have 30. I might die tonight.
There're making snowcones with the leftover vodka from last night. This is not the time to be making up excuses!
It was weird. Like "Mom, Dad, here's a guy who knows my orgasm face".
Im playing the how drunk can i get before my card declines game. being single sucks. But getting drunk after work alone in fridays on a wenesday night sucks way more.
That man deserves a slow clap... He defied the power of the vagina
omg this is getting ridiculous. nobody's vagina should ever be this neglected.
I can tell right now that knowing you will either be really fun or ruin my life
I'm sitting on your porch drinking wine from the bottle. Just so your new neighbors know what kind of people are in the neighborhood
Dude I bought a 300 dollar buffalo painting. I'm no longer allowed to take shrooms.
At one point I had two blunts in my hand and had no idea where they came from.
Apparently i disappeared and no one found me until the morning , but i have fifty missed calls
Randomize
