So, we're in the car ready to fuck and she asks about my ex. I wave at my lap and say, "bye". She asks what I'm doing. I say, "waving goodbye to my erection"
I tried to tell him it was only 2:00, but he said since it was 5:00 in New York, it was perfectly acceptable. He then put on a Blues Brothers hat and a pair of wayfarers and left. I expect him home in a few hours with a police escort.
McDonalds has hash browns for only a quarter!....how many u want?
All of them
Then he told me I had the most beautiful looking vulva
I think she just stepped in a piece of mac and cheese, picked it off the bottom of her foot and ate it.
I will seriously deflate and melt into the floor into a puddle of devestation, shame and vodka.
Yeah I just gotta do it so that my major doesn't find out. Doesn't look good having a stripper teach your 3rd grader
Well, now that you have a gf, its gonna be awkward when I get drunk and make out with you..... Then later, pretend like I don't remember.
Check having sex on the rocks and dirt on the peak of saddleback mountain off my list.
I felt like a god.
If your boss lets you sleep on his couch, you don't pay him back by boning his daughter.
Someone broke into my car last night. Didn't take anything, even left the beer in my backseat. They need to get their priorities straight, obviously.
I need a fucking roommate.
You need a fucking babysitter.
public service announcement: beginning at 10pm please text me at half hour intervals reminding me to keep my legs shut tonight. Note, this is not a drill.
Yeah, let's go with that. Fuck that weak moment of complete honesty I just had.
I gave Sophia a glitter bomb for Christmas. And before you ask is because she pooped in my cat litter box and then drank all my liquor and didn't pay me back and refuses to acknowledge that she had any wrongdoing. So she gets to clean up glitter for the next 10 years.
Randomize
