Kiss
Puke
How is Miami?
Omk. I'm shitggaved om loincoln
I'll try not to. I have an appointment at the hospital tomorrow so my goal is to wake up there.
He compliments me like a gay guy and fucks me like a starved nympho. I'm in love.
Why were you staring at her like that over breakfast?
Because I was eating with a spoon to remind her that she threw up on my hand while she was MAKING me spoon with her after our drunk sex. She got it. Don't worry.
so far I've only met her once and hung out one other time. Up to 5 BJs already. That's serious efficiency.
I made my own utility belt like Batman. It has a cup holder for my beer, cell phone holder, a little pocket for condoms, and a sewing kit just in case.
I definitely don't have enough experience with hookers to be in this group text anymore.
They forgot my ranch. They're dead to me.
Earlier today I was eating cookie dough from a tube, now I'm laying naked next to a hot guy watching Pawn Stars in between orgasms. You really can have it all.
I puked on her cat, I think I should at least buy her breakfast
How do I let my trainer know I'm only at the gym so I can get in more intense sex positions?
Update on my sex life: my calves are sore from masturbating too much. It's a thing. Look it up.
DO NOT PREHEAT THE OVEN THIS MORNING! WE STARTED USING IT AS A WINE STASH AROUND MIDNIGHT.
I was puking for like ten minutes when I realized my parents were fucking in the shower and were afraid to come out
Randomize
