I tried to use my car keys to open my door
I just started a sentence with yellow.
I got into an eating contest with Christina. I ate 6 oranges.
Why? Who won?
we don't know. we ran out of oranges.
He fingered me while we both sang the fresh prince theme song.
Marry him
worst night to have a conscience
when she started singing "you look better when im drunk" to my cat i realized it was time to take her home
She's lying on the sidewalk wailing that she is gonna die alone, with hundreds of strangers watching us, and also we lost Kate, . Please help me
I just got a nosebleed on a date at the cheesecake factory...
just run out of the bathroom with blood gushing down your face and scream "ITS IN THE CHEESECAKE!!!!!"
My dad, when he got home and saw me loading a bowl in the living room: "We have TWO beautiful balconies to get high on and you pick the couch?!"
I was told I sang Taylor Swift's entire discography in between violent bursts of green vomit before falling asleep in the bath tub
The trash can in my living room is full of Popsicle sticks and my vibrator has taken up permanent residence on my coffee table. I'm not doing anything productive. Clearly.
Tonight I plan on passing out fully clothed on the table. I don't know where normal people plan on sleeping.
The problem with having a roommate is that you are forced to answer the age old question "Are you okay?"
IT'S A GIANT FUCKING ROBOT, DUDE. LOGIC IS OUT OF THE QUESTION BECAUSE AWESOME.
Have you ever looked at someone and thought…oh honey, you're too pretty for an ankle monitor
Your the only girl I know that carries a $1100 purse with tater tots inside
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