I am watching Grease 2 and properly learning how to apply a condom to a banana. This is a sign from God that this is the closest I will ever get to having the need for one.
TIT CHECK! TIT CHECK! ALERT! ALERT!!!!
My 10 year old brother handed me a pack of condoms and said "here, i don't wanna be an uncle yet."
mom in a round about way told me to either donate my eggs or become a surrogate bcuz I need money.
I've created a drink called, "watching the sound of music with grandma." its straight vodka
I told the bartender that he could give me back the tip I gave him if he outsmarted me in a battle of wits. He has yet to challenge me.
She came to the party with six kegs and a life sized portrait of Lavar Burton. SHE WILL BE MY WIFE.
How am I feeling this morning? Well, besides the fact that my vagina looks like a pair of giraffe's lips and I'm walking like an over-confident cowgirl, I'm fantastic. Thanks for your concern.
My sugar daddy is a bigger asshole than i am. What's wrong here?
And I told him that even though were not together, if he has sex with anyone I would have sex with someone else, video tape it and send it to him.
there's a girl on facebook trying to buy me a pizza. I can't say no... right?
Is it possible to be drunk burnt? Like sun burnt but from drinking? Cus I think I that's what it feels like
I climaxed at the same time the bass dropped. I think it's safe to say I've reached enlightenment
I think my brain has decided it's boycotting life until it can do whatever it wants.
I just realized that with the new snapchat update / emoji sticker thing I can now use easily use emojis to cover my boobs in nudes.
Randomize
