no matter how many times i close my eyes and hit ignore on my phone. i must remind myself shit i still have to see her at work
Went to the doctors. She saw my " I love beer" tattoo. All she said was " My drunken tat is of just one word. "Cornnuts.". Then said Mexico was "awesome." And sent me on my way. Yeah. She's my favorite doctor.
I was gonna make fun of her but that plan kinda stopped once she put my dick in her mouth
Those motion detector trash cans don't work fast enough to catch puke.
You tried to get the stranger on the sea bus to give you a bite of his chicken sub by repeating over and over "im in a girl band"
There is a mirror in the headboard of the bed that I'm sleeping in so I can immediately question life choices when I wake up.
Ok... I'm a little jealous... Grab her pig tails and ride her like a jet ski. Making motor noises is optional.
Im drinking ciroc out of an ice cream cone... my night is going fantastic
Hey have you ever thought about fishing cause I'd like to go fishing but don't know anyone that fishes and I'm gonna cry because. FISHING
I'm sitting with my parents watching football and moaned when I saw his shirtless picture. They looked at me weird so I had to turn the moan into a laugh. A sad, really horny laugh.
I don't care how fucking drunk you are, you don't forget wanting to shove a wine bottle up someone's ass.
I'll just give him your contact info, and you'll somehow manage to get laid. Which will make me feel like your vagina's agent or something.
I think she tried to suffocate me with her tits...she almost succeeded.
Nothing says "Happy New Year" like having to shit into a plastic bag.
He played with my nipples while singing "How great thou art"
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