I can't disclose who, but one time I called someone, they didn't pick up, and immediately texted back 'will call later, masturbating'
I thought that was really considerate
if you don't start talking to me i'm gonna tell your gf that you said she tastes bad
I'd say this is worse than that time when I realized that my favorite bath toy growing up was my Mom's douche bottle.
Its not really a relationship, its more of a sex for booze program.
When I said 'i love my boyfriend' I didn't mean 'send me a picture of your penis'.
I've decided I'm gonna attack people with the toilet plunger.
I have vodka soaked strawberries. My latest tarot card reading hinted at a lesbian/bisexual coming out. I doubt I survive the night.
I'm sitting outside your room listening for sex noises eating pepperoni...slowly
I'm watching the Brazzers version of Mary Poppins and enjoying it. Volume on and all. 45 minutes.
I know it sounds all cute and shit that I wanted him to be with me last night, but it's not cute. I just wanted to fuck.
I will pepper spray him so fast I don't even care
Okay so I've been talking to the mice again and they agree with me that you're a piece of shit.
I'm officially removing you from my nudes recipient list on snapchat.
Just so you know, it is really hard to rehydrate when everything is spiked with everclear.
Why is the microwave staring at me?!
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