it was the least impressive dick i've ever seen... and i've changed babies' diapers.
i love marijuana more then i could love a human baby.
recess is on disney at 4 in the morning, insomnia has never been so rewarding
Legitimately semi-blackout across the table from the governor off a chardonnay i can't even pronounce.
I'm currently witnessing my drunk neighbor attempting to fold laundry on his front lawn. I think he's trying to spell out HELP.
Just pissed in my own closet. Had no idea adult dinner parties could he so awesome.
TAing a class of 300 froshies and being so hungover I forgot a bra is my way of making dreams come true.
Congratulations!! You are the WINNER of a brand new BLOWJOB!! You can collect your prize between the hours of 12pm and 1pm today, anywhere you'd like!!! :)
Don't worry we will all be making bad decisions soon
That's the most comforting thing I've heard in months
Jacob lost his virginity in a threesome. I am deffs fucking this kid.
DURING A THUNDERSTORM ON HIS BIRTHDAY.
I need a new pic for your contact id. Because your boobs popping up when I'm having dinner with my grandma or, ya know, when kids have my phone isn't so good.
I thought 5 times was beyond my capabilities but her tongue was like a penis defibrillator. Clear!
Sabotage it. Cum quick. Make it awkward so you don't hurt her feelings. Who says nice guys finish last?
I thought I was really making her scream. Turns out she had a Lego jammed in her lower back.
the party picked up after I got pretty drunk...I got kicked in the fucking head by a tiny lesbian...she was 5'1" I did not think she could do it...i was very wrong
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