I overheard a kid saying to his mom at Walmart: "Mommy.. should we buy cups for daddy's spit?"
my brother wants to know why there are wet balloons in his bed and i think you forgot to throw the condoms away but im too hungover to check if thats what hes talking about
I woke up at 4am on the couch with half my clothes on. And by half my clothes I mean my earrings.
i've got to stop sleeping with short guys. they always turn into stage 5 clingers
I'll be spending 4/20 on a cruise ship, so i need a babysitter to make sure I don't reenact Titanic
I woke up at 4 am to my roomate peeing all over my clean laundry. He thought he was in the bathroom and yelled at me for being in the bathroom with him while he was peeing.
No, no... it's pale and surrounded by awkward, curly, red hair. It's the Ronald McDonald of penises.
Agreed. That's like a marriage. For better or worse, till death do us part. I will hold your head over a toilet
I'm not sure that our 12-years-ago-high-school-"relationship," and 179 texts in the last 4 hours is gonna be enough to squeeze a naked smartphone picture of me. I'm gonna need some chicken wings or Makers Mark before that starts happening.
He pissed on a police station. Then expected to not be arrested. Sounds accurate.
Also I can show up hungover, fall asleep at my desk, and smell like a bottle of whiskey, and they still like me more then my shitty co worker
pretty sure I woke up to him jacking himself off IN MY BED
The sex may be the only reason I like him. I've confused the multiple orgasms for feelings.
you know your booty call is really trying when he offers to pay the toll for the bridge you have to cross to get to his house
Legal advice please. Can you sue someone for jerking off to photos of you?
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