he got wood on it!
i know. i had to sit in his lap on the plane. he also wore teva sandals.
...i was talking about hockey
I love that she's always that person who people think it's a good idea to invite her to something. and then she's there and you realize, "nope."
All that matters is I got the megaphone home safely
Upon further investigation it turns out it wasn't blood, but chocolate frosting from the cupcake I shoved in my pocket to "save for later"
we've had our differences but let's set them aside, go home and fuck
Sorry, they don't make maternity Power Ranger suits...
Math equation of the day: 4 waffles + 1 bowl of weed = 1 terrific nap
The Medal of Honor you banged could be at the inauguration today. You really dropped the ball on keeping up with that one.
time out. can we just pause the wholesome understanding friendship thing and be fuck buddies for a night?
we need a secret handshake
Need to spend sober time with him while fully clothed. I can't decide if he's a seriously amazing man or a complete fucking dickbag.
This is me not judging you for what a fine line you draw between the two.
HIS BALLS ARE HEAVEN SENT FROM THE VELVET ANGLES.
The holidays are too long. I always run out of adderall before I run out of family. you got any left?
my roommate would be appalled if she knew how many times i've peed in the kitchen sink
Come home, I'm drunk on the porch and pretending to smoke breadsticks like cigarettes. Enticing, right?
I went to my AA meeting last night. My drug dealer is now my counselor.
Randomize
