sometimes i wish i could just stick a turkey baster up there and suck out the blood
My New Years Resolution was to get a girl I dont know pregnant. 8 months later I can check that off the list..
i think i have that disease where you wake up in strange places drunk.
no, forget the keg and come see this. prego pants here is dunking chicken nuggets into pudding and crying over a cat show on animal planet.
So you met him?
More like I walked in on him, drunk, naked, and doing "bathtub yoga". Please stop bringing your dates home.
Well, I tried to shit into my refrigerator. It was a rough night.
Yea no bueno and I only brought enough weed to last one night. And it was no Hanukah nug, it didn't last 8 days.
I asked him why he was eating an entire can of refried beans, the only answer I got was "revenge"
Well we were going to compare notes, but all I could remember was throwing up, and all she could remember was kissing, so then we decided to not compare anything.
My dog got laid yesterday. Some lady came over with her husky to breed. He did it like a champ. I was so proud
I woke up to a stripper (who added me on Facebook) messaging me reminding me to cancel my card if I can't find it
He said you asked to eat pepperoni off his dick and he thought it was weird
I mean I thought it sounded fun
Hold on, I'm taking nudes in a blanket fort right now
My parents are now taking hits off a joint. Thank you.
Change of plans & whoring it up tonight
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