I'm like 99% sure I made out with Kevin Spacey last night. Not good.
I still don't understand how I went from crying to blowing you in like two minutes.
i really regret not blowing your cousin before he went to jail
hes either a crazy bad problem or a crazy good orgasm. I just can't decide which one.
i love you man. i hope we fuck some serious shit up this summer.
It could be worse. I was dumped by a guy in a kilt after he gave my shoes away on St. Patrick's Day.
Waking up at a teachers house is a very confusing thing
If I had a mugshot, I would totally use it as my main picture on Tinder, just to keep it interesting.
I swear if you get so drunk that I have to sing Bohemian Rhapsody to you again to get you to come out of the bathroom I'm leaving you at the bar this time.
Do you find Darth Vader masks attractive?
Have you forgotten that this whole sexy cop role play started with a comment about my mom?
Oh my god.. Saw a commercial for Captain Morgan. Made me gag a little bit.
Your sister just admitted to being a " much bigger bitch" than you. So you've got that going for you, which is nice.
I was about to break it off with him because I realised he only wanted me for sex, until I realised that I only wanted HIM for sex. Win/win
twas supposed to be night one of rebound break but it was night one of get sloppy drunk and dance half naked in an ice shack
Randomize
