The maid of honor just puked.
I fucking hate vegan toaster pastries. You don't fuck with poptarts. It's like baseball...it's the backbone of american sport and you don't change it. Poptarts are the backbone of american fatasses and you don't just go changing them.
if you were to get worldwide popularity from playing guitar with a plastic yellow bat while drunk on YouTube, would you hate me?
i just opened the overnight bag i packed at 2am last night. Apparently all i thought id need was a handful of quarters, mascara and one sock
Like my mouth was on his pelvis connected to his balls that's how far it was
It took him three days to realize his roommate had moved out.
Hey so I just want to get straight to the point it was me who ate the last cupcake and it was your sister who I fucked last nigt
Because selling drugs to kids never goes out of business. We get older, they stay the same stupid.
He's a cat fanatic .. That was not in the fine print when we started fucking
He got too drunk... he threw up ON the closed toilet.
It's a Jersey thing
You brought string cheese to the strip club
I forgot about snapchatting a pic of us, but I remember flossing with your hair.
I wore Yonce braids out last night and made out with a man and a woman #bowdown is right
Apparently 'ewww' is not the correct response to him saying he has to go to a funeral while I'm there.
I wasn’t trying to be creepy it just happened
I’m beginning to think that’s your defining personality trait.
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