Dude she has a bf and shes on lockdown more than Nelson Mandela in 95
They told me I spent half the night at the club with one ball hanging out my shorts. Apparently it got me 1 free drink, 2 numbers, and thrown out.
Shit. Come in my room. Bring a trashcan and an icepack
it is entirely possible that the police will be knocking on the door in 25 minutes
I just had to tell her that no she really doesnt need to sneak pizza from mcmurrays out in a plastic bag for me later
So I totally just remembered that you tried to smoke a hornet out of it's nest.
My absolute favorite part of last night was after I puked in the ally, we rounded the corner and you screamed, "she's ok!" and everyone cheered
He blew a .19 and then slurred "well I did have some rum cake earlier today officer".
It's like a double rainbow in both sides of the sky mixed with The Jeffersons.
Btw I'm already known as the drunk roommate. Don't know if that's a success or a failure seeing as it hasn't even been a week since I've been here
What's the worst that could happen? I'm already broke and my leg's already broken
I had to switch to male Siri because I could feel female Siri voice judging me for reading my sexts out loud. Also, the dude voice keeps me in the mood.
I was covered in mud from my knees down, I smelt like the inside of a port-a-potty and only had mascara on one eye. . . so you know your usual Sunday brunch.
Just don't let me do two things: Beer bongs filled with vodka or shot competitions
apparently i ended up downloading "thats amore", giving him head, and singing it... all at the same time
Randomize
