The reason halloween exists is because it's not cheating if you're wearing a costume.
he saw my emergency pass-out-in-the-bathroom-after-drunken-puking cot in the bathroom.
I wish I could donate my sober boners to my whiskey dick
When i tried to give you something that wasn't tequila...like water....you kept saying it was against your religion.
I've always been the spiritual type.
we turned his baptism video into a drinking game
Oh my god my life; so much cake and so little sex
Ill trade u your bra for a run to the liquor store...
Apparently, my drunken 3AM idea of safety is to send a GPS map of my location to someone 700 miles away. Seriously considering death as a viable alternative to this hangover. Death or Yuengling.
I wanna introduce you to my balls, Thunder and Lightning.
In brighter news I got condoms and a mattress protector today.
I got punched in the face by a Cowboy last night. Then he bought me a beer cause o convinced security not to kick him out the bar. Start of a fairytale love story? I think so.
I ran into cvs barefoot with my belt undone and shirt buttoned wrong and didn't even have to ask. The guy working pointed and said "they're back there."
That's how I look going for the pbr.
Kinda hard to look your partner in the face the day after a rousing game of How Many Ways Can I Capture Your Penis.
He called me 'pal' while complimenting how well I took his load on my face. I've officially been fuckbuddy-zoned.
My aunt asked how many piercings I had and my mom said seven and I said nine and that's how my family found out I had my nipples pierced.
Randomize
