I just drank Colt45 out of a champagne glass. I feel classy.
Colt 45 out of anything is classy.
how do you say "fuck me and leave bruises" in italian?
My parents foreign exchange student just walked in on me whacking off. Welcome to America :)
Yeah? Well I'm currently predrinking downstairs in my room by myself. Absolut and water with a hint of mint because I'm using the glass I keep my toothbrush in. Fuck, you bitches better get off work soon.
A stranger just came up to me and asked why I hadn't texted him, and if he was just a one night stand. I live for these moments.
Just found a bottle of tequila in the washer.
I may or may not have just hot boxed a backhoe on the construction site of a police station that's being rebuilt..
In a bar surrounded by couples hooking up. I'm just staring at one. Not drunk enough. Come save me.
Promise me you will not let me do anything sexual with or to a mini horse no matter how drunk we get. Ever.
Sext: Bring me pancakes from the midnight breakfast gathering please
Apparently nick called me at 3 in the morning looking for you because you ate your keys and ran away..do I need to call an ambulance.
Seriously insulted!! You can not share my dick pick with your gay brother. He won't quit poking me on fb
I like how I just yelled in the window at Mcdonalds drive thru, got his number and then fucked. it was like I ordered a happy meal that only can be had after midnight.
The only person who DOESN'T think it's a horrible idea to sleep with my ex is my therapist. Obviously I trust her judgement above all others.
You know more about his cock specs than his childhood. Proud of you
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