I had a dream last night that I had to pretend I liked Dave Matthews Band to impress this girl I was talking to.
I guess it was more of a nightmare.
Woke up with puke in my bed and my pockets full of Tootsie Rolls.
Jealous.
he found my favorite bra, 3 thongs and a pair of jeans and gave them back. i love move out day.
P.S. The slutty NASCAR driver costume will be saved and used year round for role play.
Her fucking playlist had randy newman on it. It was like woody was watching the whole time.
Don't bang him. The amount of Jack Johnson he listens to is embarrassing for even a white person.
I always ask when they're due. It's the nicest way for me to let her know the rest of the world can tell she's putting on weight too
I just tried to make cleaning gasoline off your shoes with toilet paper in the Chemistry Building bathroom look normal. I failed.
I just want my birth control to stop making me feel like I'm watching baby seals get clubbed to death any time anything even remotely unpleasant happens lol
mom how many of the songs from my childhood are mexican drinking songs?
all of them.
My liver appreciates your vow of avoiding matrimony
so like what it comes down to is do I wanna look like a boss ass bitch or do I wanna masturbate.
Im wearing black today mourning the orgasm i couldn't get this morning :(
We walking to the game and some random guy came up to to me and yelled "hey you're the whiskey guy!" And then high fived me then walked away
We are totally like Jim and Pam, except ya know, drunk and not together anymore.
Randomize
