Eric just called. Says he's trapped in a cul de sac because the road disappeared. Wants me to tell him what street has the bushes that whisper sweet nothings into you ear and the wobbling purple pokemon. Oh, and a "bigger and better" penis is growing out of his belly button. He took shrooms by the way.
let's bang
You're in my phone as 'Weird Bus Guy' so I think my answer's no.
worst hand job ever. my dick is about as raw as that sushi your mom wanted me to try.
you're the one who masterbates every night to the titanic soundtrack
My mom said she was relieved to see that I'd gained some weight bc she's "always worried" that I might have AIDS.
stumble upon led me to how to make wine in prison, followed by wedding dresses. it knows my life too well
Just saw a woman with a Pomeranian in her bra. Way to step up your game Seattle.
He just texted me asking if I remember pinching his eyelid shut with my eyelash curler.
IM DRINK YORE HIFH WE ARE POSTERCHOLD OF AMERICA
Walked in the bathroom at work and my boss was taking a shit with the stall wide open and responded "oh yeah, I forgot you never have been to prison "
New reason to drink: alcohol makes soda taste like goddamn gold.
Oh my god there are animals here. There are actusal animals trying to get him. A giraffe is trying to get in. A giraffee is trying to get in. Is ridiculouss.
we're like the harlem globetrotters of underage drinking
Dude, I work in two hours. Unless you can find Chris Hemsworth and convince him to have a three-way with us, I'm not getting out of bed.
His favorite stripper is going to jail. He's taking it pretty hard
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