i had a dream last night that my liver tore its self out of my body and ran away.
I just randomly started counting the number of guys that I've hooked up with that are now gay. 11.
organizing the empties. That sober.
Apparently, I woke him up at 4AM, and yelled "you're mad because we don't have sex," while grabbing his dick. Then immediately fell back asleep, dick in hand.
i drank out of my shoe...were you seriously expecting me to be the voice of reason?
I want to start this convo out by apologizing for the broken toaster.
he was wearing ninja turtle pajamas and he STILL got laid. who the fuck is this guy?!
he was inside of, then got up said "we don't want you having a baby," grabbed his car keys and left. so now i'm just sitting on his bed, wondering if he's coming back.
List 10 things your GF won't do for you, and we can work through that list.
In the future, could you not call me 'bro' while we're having sex?
I literally stopped banging her when my ESPN app alerted me that the Spurs had won. That's how much I hate Lebron. I would rather watch him cry in the post game interviews than get it in
oh man that would be weird.. i feel like we should do dirty things before anything super intimate like a massage.
if becoming an adult is chugging a bottle of wine in your bed and crying about your stresses while your dog watches you, sign me up
You can come over but I have to warn you that it is naked Sunday.
she crawled a good forty meters just to whisper in my ear... "dildon't"
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