Tonight was like the Noah's Ark of alcohol. I had to have two of everything.
It's an open bar on a yacht... I'm going to drown.
Just picture a bunch of Abraham Lincolns having an orgy.
im taking a nap outside. wake me up in an hour.
way to go to work and not wake me up. when you get home youre rubbing me with aloe and giving me a blowjob. no excuses
I know it must have been a hard break up. Are you okay?
Oh yeah, I'm fine dude. My vaginas heart is broken though. I feel bad for her, you should give her a call sometime.
Just walked in on him banging another girl. He told me " sorry but I'm gonna finish now that I'm caught" ...... I think this is the reason god gave me four older brothers....
Duuuuuuuuuuck. and by that i mean fruuuuuuuuck. and by that i mean fuuuck
Sure go ahead and start this 'business' with him...just don't come crying to me when you have to fake your own death in two years
He came in two seconds and stole my pizza so I'm not counting it.
At least you didn't sleep with Ashley's uncle.
Just remember that no one else gets to suck his dick but you, feel honored. It's like the Olympic torch of life is being passed off to you and it's your time to run
If more people understood that brunch is at 3pm the world would be a better place because you don't have to wake up early. Breakfast food is important
I passed out with the lights and tv on woke up at 4am SO confused and covered in goldfish so I ate them and went back to bed.. fuck xanax
I have a burn on my hand, I'm covered in bruises, I think my toe is broken, and I have no clothes to wear home.
I attempted to walk home at 5:30 this morning cuz i was mad at him cuz he didn't want to cuddle and didn't have pizza. I got 3 houses down n fell over.
Randomize
